I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
