i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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