I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
