i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
