I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
