My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
