Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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