I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
