i just had sex bonerless
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Randomize
