Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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