I heard we made out
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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