Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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