If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
