My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
high people should be assigned attendants
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
