she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
