even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
