I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
