Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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