boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Randomize
