Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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