ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
