I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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