So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
