Say something about gay babies.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
