i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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