It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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