I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
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What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
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My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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