I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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