I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
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someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
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I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..