mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.