how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
39 Memes Anyone Who Cries When They See Their Bank Account Will Relate To
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
