he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
