It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
