8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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