The maid of honor just puked.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
