I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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