you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
