I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Someone came in the potted fern
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
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