open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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