My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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