The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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