all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
