I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
She needs sedatives and a leash
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
