i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just cut my nipple shaving
false alarm. still invincible.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
