like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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