drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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