you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
