Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
