you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
