I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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