Four minutes until I can fart!
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
