You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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