had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
