I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
