come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Say something about gay babies.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
why does every cop we meet know your name?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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