Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
