i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
porn star boner night. come get it.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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