You just made me feel so damn special
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
