I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
