We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
