yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
