what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
