so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
