I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
this is an emotional support booty call
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
