Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
