i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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